What Matters Most

I've had to ask myself this alot since the New Year. Everyday I'm peeling away at the old me and reinventing who I need to be. I've had a couple of relapses- bad ones if I do say so myself. But with the self-discipline I've kept since I moved to Utah til now. I've been able to come off on top. Through good friends like Tesha Mewborn and others. I'm able to regroup and remember not to beat myself up for past failings & to keep moving forward.

About two weeks ago I had lost my faith and no one could really understand me. No matter how I tried to explain my feelings through words those who witnessed my panic attack still couldn't imagine what I was saying. I was given the opportunity to have our choir Divine Heritage  sing for my niece Kalena Afo Vea's baptism. She had just turned eight & the baptism was to take place at 9am Saturday morning. And I've always been the type of person that would pride myself about how much "Faith I instilled in Heavenly Father growing up." However this particular day was differenent for me.

I had stressed the week believing that no one from choir would show.

1-It was really early in the morning

2-Holidayz had just ended & who would want 

to come out so far & so early for my family.

3. It might snow & I truly believe not enough people loved me in the choir to sacrifice 
sleep, gas and time for my niece.. 

4. And I feared that  because of that my family would hate on a group of people

that I spend so much of my time with & would say something to set me off. Which would only cause my pride to burn & my anger to explode.lol

So a week of these thoughts drove me crazy and almost drove me to sickness up until we had to sing our second song.I was what you would call a "Faithless Bird" rather then a "Flightless Bird" because in my case I dared to doubt even with well equipped wings there's no way I could fly. If this moment was to require me to be a bird. If that makes any sense.  So as each minute passed that morning  & slowly Choir Members trickled into the building. I was still faithless that we'd get one of our  pianists to come. Let alone more choir members to magically appear. So I braced myself & just said ok well if it comes down to it. I'm for sure gonna do as many solos as needed to fullfill my promise to my sister Kui'ipo . And no matter what I was prepared to MAN UP if you would and make a fool out of myself. Because at that point I was completely faithless and annonying the heck out of who out of the choir members that were already there.  With my lack of
direction, patience and humility.

And then it happened my "Spiritual Slap" over my face when below  my saving  angels showed up-

The Molifua's & I @ Kalena's Eating

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Me & Kawe

(Our Pianist for Kalena's Baptism hidding from the cameras had to find an old pic to spotlight him)lol

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The Rest of my Die Hard DH'ers

Leen, Tiff, Amm, Tesh, Jun & April 

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This experience left me aware of how much I need to never doubt Heavenly Father's power. Testifying that when I doubt I'm really saying I don't trust Heavenly Father to come through for me. 
And as my sis April put it that morning very bluntly.. "Dude Ova you have faith that we can make it to the chapel with an empty tank out in "Nevada" meaning the chapel where Kalena was to be baptized lol.!  "Talking we can make it! I know even on empty we can MAKE IT!" 
"But you don't have faith that people would actually come through to sing?"lol 

So talk about wake up call on having more faith and I getting a  taste of what it must be for people  who struggle with  faith to try to believe in the teachings of the Gospel. Or people who fell away from this Gospel to make their way back to our Lord's Flock. For the first time I truly had the knowledge given to me of how it feels to say I had absolutely "NO FAITH". 
And to those people I'd have to say "Where doubt exist faith can't not be." So to overcome doubt the only answer is faith and as a old saying goes.. Let Go and truly Let God in and miracles will occur beyond what you could've ever expected. Like how Kalena's Baptism taught  me that entering into the waters of baptism begins with FAITH. And everything concerning the Gospel of Jesus Christ exist because people truly need to exercise FAITH & TRUST in Christ. Which begins with the desire to look forward with faith & surrounding ourselves with people who will increase our faith.
As Kalena has demostrated in dedicating her life to Heavenly Father which matters more then anything in the world. 

The fruits from our labor Kalena w/her family after being 
baptized the newest member of the Church of Jesus Christ of 
Latter-Day Saints

That's What Friends R For!

It's only been three days into the New Year and I've felt an amazing change of many different things. I've been more aware of forgetting myself due to other peoples example. I'm not as sadden to the fact that dating hasn't been in my favor for awhile now. Despite the clowning remarks from my mama and brothers.lol  But something way more important than those things. 

I believe the biggest lesson learned recently for me. Has to be  my discovery of true friendship. What it means to truly be a friend, how to keep a friend, value friends and let go of those who would careless to be  MY friends. (A reality that I've grown to accept very soarly) For whatever reason they may have I've learned to let those people go. I am learning how to really figure out why knowing that I am a Child of God  ties into being a  better friend is something worth knowing. 

I have this sister/friend and as much as I would love to paste her face on my blog. I choose not to because she's not the type who cares for the spotlight or recongition. Even with the mention of her name it wouldn't sit well w/her. But I couldn't let this sister go unnoticed another day. Without at least expressing how much she's taught me during this holiday season and many things prior. Especially since I'm her biggest fan.

For namesake I have to at least make one up for her to keep me sane. So we'll call her "Bonita" and her co-star "Salote" lol.
So the day after Christmas I was hella knocked out from a week of painful tootheache. And I guess a couple of friends were trying to get a hold of me earlier that morning. To let me know what went down the night before.
  But it wasn't til 10 am that morning my sister Salote lol another identity I have to keep under wraps..lol
Well she calls and says "Hey did you hear?" and selfishly I was thinking "ahhh hear? "All I wanna "hear" are the sounds of me snoaring from this pain in my mouth."lol

Salote goes onto say "Hmmm Bonita's dad passed away but we'll find out more later today." Surely not a way anyone would like to awake too but we can't control life.
 

Throughout the day waiting for more info wasn't fun but calling didn't feel like an option. Even though Bonita is one of my bestest sisterfriends. So I waited and it wasn't til the next evening the day after her father pass that we got to speak for 2 minutes. 
My consern was to console her but her priority was to make sure that a comitment she made to my family & I was taken care of set in motion & ready to go. My soul was truly soften even more towards Bonita.
To be so blessed that my sisterfriend was still worried about me in her time of mourning.. And to top it all off to have her still show up to that comitment as tired as she had been from the day after Christmas up to yesterday. She still served my family and put me before her very own needs..

So today I had to express my sincerest love & appreciation to her for her strength, her ability to be strong in the mist of pain such as bidding farewell to her father and teaching me the meaning of really being a true friend. Which is to show up by word & deed when one says their going to do something no matter the circumstances. If you all don't have a "Bonita" in your life. I would suggest to pray for one or be that friend to someone. Because as rough as life has been, is and will be these type of Saints are ones that we can learn from all the time. So this is for my sister/friend with all my alofa's thank you for who you are, what you stand for and the remarkable testimony you bare w/every breathe that you take. If you didn't think it moves mountains I'm telling you it's moved the many mountainous doubts & fears from my way of thinking. I will always be indebted to you  thank you... Alofa tele Esperanza Marisela from the Sea lol